I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
