Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
