I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
