Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
