final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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