if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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