Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
