he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
