i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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