I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we're making bets on your personal life
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
