I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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