i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
