Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
