Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
3 2 1 whiskey
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
