Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
