someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
