Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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