Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
