i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
