Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
