I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
