your parents love me but you hate me
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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