Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I wish I only lived at night.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
