how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We left an ass print on the piano.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
