Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Girls should come with a carfax report
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
