I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
