Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
