Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
