bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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