We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Rumble strips road head = magical
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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