my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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