Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
