I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
