totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
