I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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