Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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