The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
