Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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