community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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