Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
