You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
