I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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