zippers are such a cool invention
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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