Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
