Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
