I showed him my bush... on skype.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
