theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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