He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
