i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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