I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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