Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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