I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
