he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
