she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
