Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
